There are many secrets to a successful relationship but the following 10 are guaranteed to give you the kind of partnership you seek, especially if they are practised by BOTH people within it. They are ranked in order of priority and importance, so you cannot compromise on the top 5.
1. Compatibility
The signs of incompatibility are always there at the beginning of a partnership, no matter how small. Do not ignore them. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, or doesn't sound right when he/she speaks, resist the temptation to make it better, to change the person to suit yourself, or to ignore it. Anything that makes you feel really uncomfortable about the other person is giving you a strong signal about your Compatibility. Please take note because a strong, natural match will weather the storms ahead, not one where the foundation is weak before you begin.
2. Caring
At the heart of caring is RESPECT and APPRECIATION so Caring plays a huge part in the bonding process. One can soon tell how much Caring there is within a relationship because Caring is a natural part of any declared love. If the respect and basic appreciation are not in place, there really isn't much to hold two people together and one cannot really say that their partner truly 'cares'.
3. Commitment
If we love someone, we respect them and we appreciate them, then we wish to commit to them for the long or short haul. We do not fear a journey with that person. In fact, we welcome it because we genuinely believe they are worth it, no matter what happens. The thought of being with that person is challenging, but rather exciting too. There is nothing to fear, but a lot to anticipate and work through together. Always remember that.
4. Communication
Without being able to talk with someone, to share our fears and anxieties, to plan, to confide in, or console each other, there is no real Communication. At the heart of Communication is TRUST. When we fear communicating with our partner, there is no real trust because we would be more fearful of how they will react to what we have to say. We will gradually keep more and more things hidden until it becomes unbearable and burst like lava over the relationship. Hence it is essential to have regular, open communication within the partnership.
5. Compromise
The essence of Compromise is a desire to SHARE and true RECIPROCITY (give and take). When we are not prepared to Compromise it points to a selfish focus that is either controlling, or has no wish to give of the self. Yet, for any two people to live harmoniously, especially as each individual is different in thought and expectations, a desire to Compromise has to be at the forefront; to acknowledge that one can never have all one wants in a relationship. By helping the other person to achieve personal happiness through a willingness to Compromise, we also appreciate that they will help us to be happy too through basic reciprocity.
6. Courtship
This is one of the crucial Cs: to ensure that your relationship is one long wooing process. Soon after settling down, and marriage, in particular, spouses begin to feel too complacent, to feel they do not have to make the effort for their partner any more and to take that person for granted. BAD MISTAKE! A relationship should be a lifelong courtship: full of praise, compliments, outward shows of affection; appreciation, regular surprises and love. When any of those elements stops, danger is not far behind because each of them shows how much we value the spouse and think highly of her/him. It also shows how often we think about them too. By treating your partner as a forever lover rather than just a partner, the relationship will always be fresh and the love constantly nurtured instead of being allowed to fall by the wayside.
7. Change
Being flexible in a relationship is paramount. We are all evolving from one year to the next. The person you were are 25 when you got married would not be there at 40 when you might be having a mid-life crisis. You would be much more mature and experienced then. Most important, the things you wished for at 25, when you were more naive and inexperienced, would not be what you desire now, and that includes your partner, unless they have changed with you as well. That is why a lot of affairs happen during mid-life because the 'new' person requires something else to make them feel valued, appreciated and excited. The old yardstick for judging quality of life is no longer applicable to the new spouse. If the couple are not flexible enough to allow Change, to accept Change and to deal comfortably with Change, that's a dead relationship walking! Only an acceptance that nothing stays the same forever, and a readiness to deal with that knowledge, will keep the relationship on a successful course.
8. Courtesy
This little word is often forgotten in long relationships but it is so important. Treating your partner with Courtesy, also involves respect and value. To be courteous is to appreciate the other person, their value to you and a desire to show them that value and esteem through your actual treatment of them. When we take each other for granted there is usually very little Courtesy involved and is a sure sign of an absence of respect and appreciation too.
9. Cheerfulness
Many people settle into a pattern of just criticising their partners, finding constant fault or whingeing about life on a daily basis. But the main fact of getting up each day and breathing the precious air of life should keep us cheerful constantly! When we are in a relationship there is a lot to be thankful for: we have love, value, affection and companionship, when many others are not so fortunate. So there is much to be cheerful about. It is usually people who take their lives and partners for granted who have the most to whinge and complain about. However, if all we are is being grumpy in a relationship, soon it won't be too difficult for our partners to find the Cheerfulness outside it!
10. Courage
It takes an awful lot of Courage, from the very beginning, to meet a stranger, put complete faith and trust in them and set up a home with them when you don't know anything about their moods, personalities, expectations and history. There will also be many other occasions in the relationship when difficult decisions have to be made. They will require Courage too and often that is in short supply. If each party can be true to him/herself and find that Courage when it is needed, not be afraid to act in a given circumstance, to ditch the fear they might feel which often prevents action, that will be a very successful relationship all round.
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Now to YOU. Not sure how each element applies to you and your relationship? Why not use the following key to check your situation against each C?
KEY: 5 =TONS! 4=Can't complain. 3=Not sure! 2=Just a little. 1=Not there at all!
Then multiply your score by 2 and tick it off in the poll.
How is your relationship faring just now?
Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH)
Emotional Health Adviser
"Respect and love begin with the self. If we have none, how can we give away any?"